We all know the expression fish by now: the fish, the sucker, your own personal ATM. I keep a word document on my PC, which serves as my fish list – a comprehensive list of all the very poor and very profitable players I have encountered, and who I want to meet again. I will type all the names into whichever site I am playing at the time before I start a cash game to see who is around, and join their table whenever possible.

So we like fish? Yes, we do. That’s obvious. One thing that you may not know – but thankfully I am an expert in zoology so I can tell you – is that the fish is a direct relation of the donkey. And we do not like the donkey.

The fundamental difference between a fish and a donkey, is that a fish is a welcome addition to any table. You lick your lips, you pick your spot, and you take their money. A donkey, on the other hand, turns up at the table, puts his faith purely in the chance element of poker, and sends you home broke.

Put another way: a donkey is a fish when they are found at the tournament tables.

Losing a huge pot, or even a buy-in as a result of pure stupidity on the part of your opponent is not such a bad thing in a cash game. It’s a good thing if you can compose yourself and they are staying around for a while, because you should be targeting them to win it back and then some. In a tournament or SNG, there is only so much stupidity you can take. Because once you lose a couple of big pots to your donkey chum catching their runner-runner draw, you are gone. You can’t reload or follow them to the next table. You are left with nothing but a potential bad beat post and broken monitor.

A donkey is a player who is prepared to get all of their chips into the middle of the table with NOTHING. It’s not a weak player who will lay down the winner because its bubble time (we like those players). It’s not a player who makes it obvious through betting patterns what they are holding (we like those players). And it isn’t the player who thinks their ace high is good on the river (we like those players.). Once again, a donkey is a player who gets all their money in the middle with nothing…nothing but the promise of cards to come.

A donkey is a player who sees a raise, a reraise and an all in, ignores them all, looks at their cards and says to themselves, “wow, a queen AND a nine, I call,” – and usually doesn’t realize that the 10 on the river just made them a straight when the chips move back in their direction.

This doesn’t mean that just because they seem to defy the laws of odds and probability that you should shut down and avoid pots with the donkey. Just recognize that they are there, and change your strategy accordingly.

Selective Aggression

The golden rule is, of course, that you cannot bluff an idiot. A board of AAKJQ with four hearts usually gives you either the nuts or scares the living crap out of you, but it’s still not enough to make some players fold their J4 of diamonds. You might be screaming or typing about how stupid they were for calling your bluff with your pocket nines, but if you have been observing how they have played for awhile, you should know that a bluff on that board against that opponent really only makes you the donkey in the hand. Against an observant but weak opponent you should pat yourself on the back for making such a move. But against an opponent who still might have called with just jack high, then you deserve to give him them the pot.

Before you raise a hand, ask yourself why you are raising it? If you are trying to steal the blinds and the donkey has posted his, think again. You know he is going to call and he doesn’t even know that he might be getting the right price to do so. If you are raising to represent a big hand on the flop, think again. They won’t notice or be able to put two and two together. If an ace flops and they pair their four, you will pretty much have to tell them, “I have an ace, that wins,” for them to lay down. If you are value raising an unpaired ace preflop, think again. You are still going to have to hit the flop, potentially, to win at showdown, because they could feasibly call you down with king high and hit their (two) kicker later on in the hand.

Extracting Value

You need a made hand to beat the donkey, and it often needs to be a good one. Only raise if you have a hand you would be comfortable showing down at the river, and take the opportunity to over bet if they stay in the pot with you, because they will often pay you off when you are clearly way ahead.

Tread carefully when potential flushes or straights appear on the board. Donkeys stand a good chance of having either, so don’t waste extra bets unless you are sure you have them beat. When you have the nuts, it’s best to get your money in as early as possible. Most donkeys like their hand with cards to come, and you can extract more money when there is a still a chance they pair their king. Your ideal hand against a donkey is a set, because if they hit top pair, there is no tell in the world you could give out that is going to make them fold. Slow playing should not even be a consideration against the donkey, especially if you are vulnerable to flushes and such.

Reassess the Impact of the Donk-fest

When the Donkey makes his presence known – especially when he has chips – he can sometimes take over everyone’s focus at the table. Don’t forget that there are seven other players at the table. Some will want to bust him. Others will be multi-tabling and not noticing what he does. Some will notice he has just cracked your aces and put you on tilt if you raise the next hand.

Whenever you choose to play a hand, don’t forget the rest of the table. Don’t over bet your aces under the gun, because you might distract more money in the pot from other players who liked their hands. Don’t go reraising with pocket sevens UTG+1 because you are confident you have him, because you might walk into another player’s bullets and pay them off more than you ever would have had he not been there.

Essentially, your strategy against the world’s greatest calling station should be to be patient and wait to trap them – not to try and bully them, outplay them, or get in a marginal situation with a marginal hand. Rather than play small pots with a donkey, you want to wait for the optimal situation to double up on them and get rid of them.

And if the donkey does bust you, congratulate him. You don’t want to put him off what he is doing. Lick your wounds, write down his name, and wait for him to join a cash table.