NEED A FUNNY JOKE

[dhwma]

So my work is having a contest between all of the managers to come up with the funniest joke. Winner will have to tell it at the next big forum and will win a prize. My sense a humor is somewhat dry so I thought I would pose the question here to see if someone has a good one that might appeal to the work place...

[PigPen]

I just flew in from Chicago, and boy are my arms tired!!

[darvon]

A blind man walks into a bar...

[darvon]

Two antarcticans were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks.
The first said, "You know, those look like deer tracks." The other said, "No, silly, those are moose tracks."
They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.

[Bugsbunny]

Found online at various places
------------------------------------------

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

------------------------------
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

-----------------------------------
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "manager". The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four year old.

-----------------------------------------
The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The Boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

-----------------------------------------

[darvon]

Two antennas's decided one day to get married. The wedding wasn't that good but the reception was great!!!

[jfletcher]

Just heard this one...

A man is standing in the grocery store and an attractive young woman walks up to him and says hello. He thinks for a moment and says: "Do you know me?"

The woman says: "I think you are the father of one of my kids."

Suddenly, the man's mind is racing. He thinks back to the one time in his life that he was unfaithful. Then he says: "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party, the one who I made love to on a pool table while my friends all watched and cheered?"

"No," the woman says. "I'm your son's kindergarten teacher."

[MXRider]

Guy walks into a bar with a chicken and an alligator in tow. They all sit up to the bar and the alligator asks for a beer. The bartender is astonished and tells the guy he had never seen a talking alligator before. The owner looks back to him and says that is the most absurd comment as his alligator can't talk, and explains that his chicken is a ventriloquist.

[dhwma]

wow, I am rolling!
I like this one work wise:
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

personally, I also love the pool table one too




ok, here is mine that I think may be too dry:

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes????

A. No idea


Q. what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs

A. STILL no eye deer!!

[Piemaster]

I think this was Bill Bailey, but I can't remember.

----

Two women walked into a bar. One said

"Well done, we've finally managed to crack this male dominated joke format"

[wade]

What did the fish say after it swam into a concrete wall?

Dam!

[PizzaByNight]

Showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"Yeah...well what time is it?"
"Stand back". The drunk took a hammer and gave the gong an ear-shattering smash.

Suddenly there was a muffled cry from the other side of the wall...."You $%#^ing jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

[wade]

[wade]

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka.

[torch]

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
The food and service were great, but no atmosphere!